This week: Things I tend to worry about
1. What other people think of me
… also, if humans will ever come to terms with and do something about the environment, equal rights, etc.
But, mostly #1.
Sad, but true. Some people would be surprised and possibly laugh at the idea because I also happen to be a bit bossy and tend to live my life on my own terms (I’m un-apologetically happy with being single, I don’t want kids or care what other people think about that, etc.).
Here’s the thing. I suffer from wanting to be loved and wanting some attention. I’ve always been like this. But, I also had the misfortune of being one of few “normal” people in my family. The men in my family have issues with depression, my two adopted siblings have various special needs (mental and medical), etc. I, on the other hand, did well enough in school, didn’t suffer with anything other then a mild case of winter blues (though, I was a bit bitchy as an adolescent because my ovaries are whacked and irregular), and generally was pretty good at coasting along like nothing was wrong. This meant that I was often left to my own devices while everyone else was getting all the attention. In the end, I felt pretty ignored (I knew it wasn’t on purpose, but still …) and my coping mechanism was to play tough. Some of that toughness became a real part of me (I’m a fiercely independent women who will live my life as a please, regardless of whether or not my family/friends/etc. approves).
But, I’m still always looking for approval, to some degree or another (except that a few people have proven to be people who’s approval I don’t really care about). I still want to look good to others. All of the things I tend to worry about are things like:
- Whether I’m doing my job well and coming off as confident, knowledgeable and (semi) professional
- Whether or not my attempts at crafts are good enough to “count” (though, I’ve mostly gotten over this with cross stitch because I really just do it for fun)
- Whether or not I look like a good citizen (honestly, sometimes the only reason I vote is so that I don’t look like a slacker)
- Whether or not I’m keeping up with others (even in situations where I clearly can’t and shouldn’t try to – like at the gym where I could actually injure myself)
It’s silly, but it’s true. It’s something that I’ll always work on and that will always annoy me about myself.
Edit: This video seems very appropriate for this post, so I thought I’d add it: